Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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