New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
