Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
