Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
