I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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