I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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