The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
