I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
