If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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