If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
