I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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