Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Send help, water and tortillas.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize