Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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