miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize