Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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