its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Blood and glitter go together right?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
