they said they heard you say put it in my butt
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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