You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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