I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize