If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
