I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
