If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
