I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
