Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
