I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just gift wrapped bread.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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