Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
