I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
