My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
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