My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
