I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
