Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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