I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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