he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
