His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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