Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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