At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
