; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
