listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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