the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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