Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
