Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
