New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
