Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
