How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
