I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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