i was born a porn star she said
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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