ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize