oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
