there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
