While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
