at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
