I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
