she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
