What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
