I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize