My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
