i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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