So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
