I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
