I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
this boner is exhausting
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
