I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
