Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
